"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent." -John Donne
Today has been a tough day, with any ED there have been tears, hungry moments, desperate moments and more emotions then I can express. The annoying thing with ED's is the control they have over you; for all the need and wanting for your own control, ED's always have you within their grasp.
Today I barely ate anything, I spent a very productive day with my younger brother, distracting myself with colourful building blocks and making fairy cakes for 'Mothers Day' it wasn't until 4pm that I actually ate something. I had a mere tuna roll with light mayo no butter; and I nearly cried. Automatically, I felt awful and couldn't cope; I got all 'low' and 'sad', I basically felt awful. All because I had a tuna roll.
It all went down hill from there, I couldn't sit still, or focus, I wanted to binge, I wanted to cry. I couldn't think of anything.
Finally, it all exploded when my mum asked me what I wanted for dinner (a take-away with the family). "HOW CAN YOU EAT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD" was all I could think. I have to be honest with you here, I had picked throughout the day..a taste of cake here, I lick of icing there. But on reflection I hardly ate anything all day. A handful of grapes to keep me going and a lot of water!
I cried on my mums lap (like a child, unashamedly) and I realised the hardest part of doing this was doing it on your own.
It's tempting to try to keep it inside, but once I let my emotions out, explained to my mum how I felt, how fustrated I was; I began to see clearly.
And we are about to tuck into a (low-fat) takeout as a treat for the hard work of redecorating. I know that it's 'bad', but I also know it's not sinful; it's not going to destroy me, a little treat. Yet this rationality was not from my own mind, I had to go through the process of rational thinking about food; what my body needed and this is not possible when the ED is in control.
I suppose what I'm saying is, although I am having a 'treat' for dinner. With ED's you can't do it alone, you need someone to be there, to speak the rational knowledge to prevent you from going over the edge. Yet before long, you'll be able to do this on your own naturally.
Basically you need help, you can't do this on your own. Wether a friend, or family member or someone you met online who can relate to you.
I recall seeing someone state that they named their ED to separate them self from the controlling obsessional being that told them what to do. I could call it Ed, but I wanted something more original. So I named it TIM. My 'Time-consuming Inner Monologue', the voice which isn't always right, but is always there until I control it.
As the quote says, no one is an island; we can't do it alone. So I press to everyone out there to find a connection with someone, let them know what you are going though, and to name your ED; separate yourself from the controlling voice.
Much Love x
A chance for us to try again...
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Today..
Today I'm just not going to try so hard, to be perfect, or in control. I know I'm going to mess up, and probably eat some terribly bad things; but I'm not going to beat myself up if I do or congratulate myself if I don't. Today I want to try and pretend I don't have an eating disorder, just for 24hours.
Each step, gives you strength to walk a little further.
Much Love x
Each step, gives you strength to walk a little further.
Much Love x
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Down Days
With every eating disorder there are bound to be those times when you loose control, and you get low. Mine are coming in leaps and bounds this Easter. What with Christmas (or 'face-stuffing-season' as I like to call it), just finishing. We are moving onto yet another holiday focused on food.
It surprises me how much our culture (Western) focuses primarily on food. If it's not adverts telling us to eat more (wether good or bad), it is holidays which are centered around food consumption, or socialising which is food based! For someone who finds it hard enough to consume a small amount of food without a floodgate of emotions opening up; this is very very hard.
It's, therefore, not surprising that those with eating disorders find it hard fitting into society and feigning normality; and sometimes this can build up on us.
For me that happened today, for many different reasons I've just had a bad day; all alone.
I'm not sure if it is the same for other people out there, but when I have a bad day my reigns on food tighten, I want to control more, to prove that I can be in control; my own boss.
If there is something I have learnt over the years is that, controlling sometimes means letting go. Take today for example, every time I felt myself getting heightened or angry about food, I had to take a step back.
Not in the "C'mon don't be silly, it's just food" sort of way, because we all know that thinking that doesn't help. I, however, start thinking about the control of staying calm. If I'm hungry but I feel guilty about food already, I start to take control by looking for something to eat; which is healthy, low in fat and calories and good for me. Like a nice tuna salad with olives. It filled me up, but I didn't feel guilty about eating it as my lunch.
Now, of course, everyone is different. And today it's been much harder, I have sat down and cried because I'm fed up of trying to control everything and I want to order the biggest curry in town and eat it all! But I stopped, screamed, and let it out. From then, I took control and focused. And by taking control I pulled away for large binges and purges, from the negative emotions and really took control of my life.
I will be the first to admit that having a disorder is very hard, and very time consuming. Yet sometimes the skills we put into it (controlling, stopping ourselves eating, checking food contents, over exercising), can be used to help regain normality.
So if there is anything to say this week, it is to try and control our controlling! To focus on finding solutions before we tip over the edge and find ourselves back into that cycle.
"In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired." ~Author Unknown
Wise words; together we can fight this.
Much Love x
It surprises me how much our culture (Western) focuses primarily on food. If it's not adverts telling us to eat more (wether good or bad), it is holidays which are centered around food consumption, or socialising which is food based! For someone who finds it hard enough to consume a small amount of food without a floodgate of emotions opening up; this is very very hard.
It's, therefore, not surprising that those with eating disorders find it hard fitting into society and feigning normality; and sometimes this can build up on us.
For me that happened today, for many different reasons I've just had a bad day; all alone.
I'm not sure if it is the same for other people out there, but when I have a bad day my reigns on food tighten, I want to control more, to prove that I can be in control; my own boss.
If there is something I have learnt over the years is that, controlling sometimes means letting go. Take today for example, every time I felt myself getting heightened or angry about food, I had to take a step back.
Not in the "C'mon don't be silly, it's just food" sort of way, because we all know that thinking that doesn't help. I, however, start thinking about the control of staying calm. If I'm hungry but I feel guilty about food already, I start to take control by looking for something to eat; which is healthy, low in fat and calories and good for me. Like a nice tuna salad with olives. It filled me up, but I didn't feel guilty about eating it as my lunch.
Now, of course, everyone is different. And today it's been much harder, I have sat down and cried because I'm fed up of trying to control everything and I want to order the biggest curry in town and eat it all! But I stopped, screamed, and let it out. From then, I took control and focused. And by taking control I pulled away for large binges and purges, from the negative emotions and really took control of my life.
I will be the first to admit that having a disorder is very hard, and very time consuming. Yet sometimes the skills we put into it (controlling, stopping ourselves eating, checking food contents, over exercising), can be used to help regain normality.
So if there is anything to say this week, it is to try and control our controlling! To focus on finding solutions before we tip over the edge and find ourselves back into that cycle.
"In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired." ~Author Unknown
Wise words; together we can fight this.
Much Love x
Welcome
Today I didn't think I would sit down and create a blog about 'food', to be honest it was the furthest thing from my mind. Yet here I am, creating a blog which I hope can help many people out there.
I have been suffering with an eating disorder for many years now, probably about 6 maybe 7. It's not that long in comparison to many others, but started when I was only 14. I found it very hard at school as a young girl trying to fit in, and it all just spiraled out of control.
I'm now 20 years old and have been diagnosed with both bulimia and an obsession with food, I have had many years in and out of counseling, and tried every different thing I could think of! I never really spoke about it, not openly and not honestly, however, I was watching 'Supersize VS Superskinny' today, and it hit me how important our lives really are. So I sat down, and created a blog to express how I feel about food, the things I've learnt, and the tips to help over come this fear.
I think every young girl (and boy) goes through the stage of looking at themselves and wanting to change parts of who they are. This is more than normal, however, with me the obsession grew and grew. It started with skipping meals, leading to binges and purges, and self harming. As I've grown older and gained more help I've been able to understand why I do/ did all of this, and how I can control it. I am far from over the disorder, nor is it or has it been easy; but I have learnt a lot.
Each week, I want to post up important things I am learning, tips, and things that I am feeling; in the hopes that something here will help you. Over the years, I've noticed many sites and blogs help and promote this, but very little that really turns around and says 'I HAVE THIS AND THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELING'. This is the place for such a thing, if anyone has anything to say; feel free.
Much Love x
I have been suffering with an eating disorder for many years now, probably about 6 maybe 7. It's not that long in comparison to many others, but started when I was only 14. I found it very hard at school as a young girl trying to fit in, and it all just spiraled out of control.
I'm now 20 years old and have been diagnosed with both bulimia and an obsession with food, I have had many years in and out of counseling, and tried every different thing I could think of! I never really spoke about it, not openly and not honestly, however, I was watching 'Supersize VS Superskinny' today, and it hit me how important our lives really are. So I sat down, and created a blog to express how I feel about food, the things I've learnt, and the tips to help over come this fear.
I think every young girl (and boy) goes through the stage of looking at themselves and wanting to change parts of who they are. This is more than normal, however, with me the obsession grew and grew. It started with skipping meals, leading to binges and purges, and self harming. As I've grown older and gained more help I've been able to understand why I do/ did all of this, and how I can control it. I am far from over the disorder, nor is it or has it been easy; but I have learnt a lot.
Each week, I want to post up important things I am learning, tips, and things that I am feeling; in the hopes that something here will help you. Over the years, I've noticed many sites and blogs help and promote this, but very little that really turns around and says 'I HAVE THIS AND THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELING'. This is the place for such a thing, if anyone has anything to say; feel free.
Much Love x
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)