Lonelieness

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent."  -John Donne


Today has been a tough day, with any ED there have been tears, hungry moments, desperate moments and more emotions then I can express. The annoying thing with ED's is the control they have over you; for all the need and wanting for your own control, ED's always have you within their grasp. 
Today I barely ate anything, I spent a very productive day with my younger brother, distracting myself with colourful building blocks and making fairy cakes for 'Mothers Day' it wasn't until 4pm that I actually ate something. I had a mere tuna roll with light mayo no butter; and I nearly cried. Automatically, I felt awful and couldn't cope; I got all 'low' and 'sad', I basically felt awful. All because I had a tuna roll.
It all went down hill from there, I couldn't sit still, or focus, I wanted to binge, I wanted to cry. I couldn't think of anything.


Finally, it all exploded when my mum asked me what I wanted for dinner (a take-away with the family). "HOW CAN YOU EAT AFTER ALL THAT FOOD" was all I could think. I have to be honest with you here, I had picked throughout the day..a taste of cake here, I lick of icing there. But on reflection I hardly ate anything all day. A handful of grapes to keep me going and a lot of water! 
I cried on my mums lap (like a child, unashamedly) and I realised the hardest part of doing this was doing it on your own. 
It's tempting to try to keep it inside, but once I let my emotions out, explained to my mum how I felt, how fustrated I was; I began to see clearly. 
And we are about to tuck into a (low-fat) takeout as a treat for the hard work of redecorating. I know that it's 'bad', but I also know it's not sinful; it's not going to destroy me,  a little treat. Yet this rationality was not from my own mind, I had to go through the process of rational thinking about food; what my body needed and this is not possible when the ED is in control.


I suppose what I'm saying is, although I am having a 'treat' for dinner. With ED's you can't do it alone, you need someone to be there, to speak the rational knowledge to prevent you from going over the edge. Yet before long, you'll be able to do this on your own naturally. 
Basically you need help, you can't do this on your own. Wether a friend, or family member or someone you met online who can relate to you. 


I recall seeing someone state that they named their ED to separate them self from the controlling obsessional being that told them what to do. I could call it Ed, but I wanted something more original. So I named it TIM. My 'Time-consuming Inner Monologue', the voice which isn't always right, but is always there until I control it. 


As the quote says, no one is an island; we can't do it alone. So I press to everyone out there to find a connection with someone, let them know what you are going though, and to name your ED; separate yourself from the controlling voice.


Much Love x