Down Days

With every eating disorder there are bound to be those times when you loose control, and you get low. Mine are coming in leaps and bounds this Easter. What with Christmas (or 'face-stuffing-season' as I like to call it), just finishing. We are moving onto yet another holiday focused on food.


It surprises me how much our culture (Western) focuses primarily on food. If it's not adverts telling us to eat more (wether good or bad), it is holidays which are centered around food consumption, or socialising which is food based! For someone who finds it hard enough to consume a small amount of food without a floodgate of emotions opening up; this is very very hard.
It's, therefore, not surprising that those with eating disorders find it hard fitting into society and feigning normality; and sometimes this can build up on us.


For me that happened today, for many different reasons I've just had a bad day; all alone. 
I'm not sure if it is the same for other people out there, but when I have a bad day my reigns on food tighten, I want to control more, to prove that I can be in control; my own boss. 
If there is something I have learnt over the years is that, controlling sometimes means letting go. Take today for example, every time I felt myself getting heightened or angry about food, I had to take a step back. 
Not in the "C'mon don't be silly, it's just food" sort of way, because we all know that thinking that doesn't help. I, however, start thinking about the control of staying calm. If I'm hungry but I feel guilty about food already, I start to take control by looking for something to eat; which is healthy, low in fat and calories and good for me. Like a nice tuna salad with olives. It filled me up, but I didn't feel guilty about eating it as my lunch.


Now, of course, everyone is different. And today it's been much harder, I have sat down and cried because I'm fed up of trying to control everything and I want to order the biggest curry in town and eat it all! But I stopped, screamed, and let it out. From then, I took control and focused. And by taking control I pulled away for large binges and purges, from the negative emotions and really took control of my life.


I will be the first to admit that having a disorder is very hard, and very time consuming. Yet sometimes the skills we put into it (controlling, stopping ourselves eating, checking food contents, over exercising), can be used to help regain normality. 
So if there is anything to say this week, it is to try and control our controlling! To focus on finding solutions before we tip over the edge and find ourselves back into that cycle.


"In order to change we must be sick and tired of being sick and tired." ~Author Unknown


Wise words; together we can fight this.


Much Love x